Work Addiction? Its Origin May Be In Childhood

For babies and young children, feeling protected by their parents means the difference between growing up confident and with high self-esteem or developing with serious deficiencies. Without the responsive care of the elderly, childhood experiences become dark and frightening. The fear of death is always present in the lives of these creatures.

Since there is nothing so scary as feeling life in danger, these children are willing to do anything to get their parents’ attention and care for them. And, in the long run, this submission to all parental and maternal desires can lead to extremely unhealthy patterns of behavior that are perpetuated throughout life.

There are cases in which this need for attention ends up crystallizing into an imperative desire to stand out. This is the case of children who only receive recognition from their parents when they get good grades in school and push themselves to the limit to always be the best in their class.

These little ones become obsessed with their studies, to the point of suffering anxiety attacks if they do not have the best grade in the class or if they do not have a well prepared exam.

They become obsessed with being the best because it is the only way to get the attention of their elders.

The problem with these kinds of patterns is that the much-needed appreciation from parents – necessary to fill the feeling of emptiness – never comes. Usually, for these demanding and dictatorial parents, more effort is always necessary, so in order to obtain a kind look or a complimenting word, the child sacrifices more and more and the obsession with studies grows more and more.

When to suspect that success hides helplessness

When these people begin their working lives, the pattern is fully established in their lives, making it very difficult for them to relax and stop thinking about anything other than work.

These people tend to succeed in their respective fields and can even create their own companies and make them grow rapidly.

Obviously, not all great entrepreneurs respond to this pattern. Many of them succeed in their careers because they are truly people who have found and developed their passion. However, when this desire for growth and success begins to overflow and becomes an obsession, we can suspect that other hidden patterns are operating in their lives.

Although these patterns – learned and reinforced during childhood – lead them to achieve great achievements and succeed in their professional careers, if we dig a little, under all the layers of success and opulence, we can find the helpless child of yesteryear, still in need of tenderness. and consolation.

The case of Juan, the hotelier who wanted to prove that he was alive

A few years ago, an entrepreneur from the hospitality sector came to my office, whom we will call Juan. This man had had enormous success in his career and owned several hotels on the Costa del Sol. However, despite all his recognition and social triumph, Juan did not feel fulfilled, he felt tired, and he went to therapy after suffering several anxiety crisis.

When we began to talk about his childhood, Juan told me that in his childhood he suffered a serious illness that brought him to the brink of death. Fortunately, after a few months, the boy managed to overcome it without any physical consequences. However, on a psychological level, there were serious consequences for him.

His father, a very traditional-minded businessman, seeing his firstborn on the brink of death, decided to turn all his attention and efforts on the little brother. While the family left Juan in the background, the younger brother was paid for his studies and bequeathed the family business. As Juan told me in one session, as a child it seemed as if his father had forgotten about him. He almost felt as if he had been left for dead.

In spite of everything, Juan was an intelligent boy and he managed to succeed in school and in his adult life, although far from the family business, in his working life. Throughout his life, he strove to prove to his father that he was better than his brother. While this, a mediocre and somewhat quarrelsome student, got all the praise, Juan had to fight for a paltry look of recognition from his father. Deep down, as he finally realized, Juan had spent his life trying to prove to his father that he was not dead.

Living without waiting for recognition is liberating

As we can see, a successful business career hid a dark history and a desperate desire to gain recognition from his father. Understanding his tragic story, Juan realized that it was not worth losing his life striving for more and more success.

It was hard for him to admit that he would never achieve the recognition of his father but, at the same time, it also meant a liberation. By freeing himself from his obligation to achieve success at all costs, he was able to reduce his stress level and dedicate himself to enjoying life more with his family.

Thanks to stories like Juan’s, we can learn great things to apply in raising our children. To avoid creating this type of self-destructive patterns, we must listen and pay attention to children, accepting and recognizing them as they are, without pressuring them or forcing them to be the best to feel valued.