We Have A Pending Coffee …

Veronica was leaving work to go home. He went to the bus stop, and just as he arrived he realized that Juan, a colleague, was there, waiting. Immediately he slowed down, and surreptitiously waited some distance for the bus to arrive and people to get on. A minute later the stop was empty, except for a man who had remained on the bench. Veronica sat down next to him and the man said:

“You missed the bus.

Veronica was surprised. I didn’t expect it to have been so obvious. Seeing the man’s affable expression, he dared to comment:

“Yes, there was someone at the stop with whom I didn’t feel like traveling …”

After an exchange of knowing glances, the older man said:

“My name is Max, and the next bus will still take fifteen minutes.” Can you tell me?

-It’s simple. It’s about my partner Juan. We haven’t talked to each other for two years, and I feel less and less like meeting him.

-What happened?

“I hardly remember it.” We had a discussion in a meeting, we said some things to each other and from then on the conflict started.

“And you have never discussed the subject?”

“I tried once, but he reacted badly.” He told me verbatim that we had nothing to talk about.

Max, who was listening carefully, noted:

“Well, I think you have a coffee pending with him.”

“A pending coffee?”

—Yes, I call pending coffees to those postponed conversations that we all have, that damage our relationships and that, however, we do not dare or do not know how to approach.

“And why coffees?”

“Because they need a certain ceremony.” They are not conversations that can be had hastily in a hallway or in an office. Or at the metro or bus stop …

“And how do we know we have a coffee pending?”

—You will easily identify it because when you see or come across the person you have it with, the issue that separates you will inevitably come to mind.

Veronica attuned to that idea instantly. He recognized that he sometimes came across people and immediately remembered an episode they had not talked about.

They were episodes that did not take away his sleep, but that returned to his mind when he saw the person involved.

Max continued his explanation:

“And also because – and you may not consciously feel this – you will tend to avoid that person precisely because of that.”

“As has happened to me now with Juan.”

-Exactly…

They remained silent. Veronica absorbed the information and tried to make sense of it. Without letting a long time pass, he asked him again:

“But I wanted to have that coffee pending.” I wanted to talk to Juan and he refused. His response, as I have already told you, was forceful …

“An answer that needs translation.” “We have nothing to talk about” in the context of a conflict means “I’m not ready yet.” It is not a slam of the door, it is a postponement. It will be good if you try it again after a while.

Veronica reflected with a lost look.

“You know, Max?” I think I have a few coffees pending, but to tell you the truth, I have no idea how to get them.

“Let me explain to you how I conceive them and what it has to do with that ceremony I was talking about.” To begin with, I think it is good to send a first message, to let the person know that you would like to speak with them. You can get different responses, from “okay, let’s talk”, which bodes well for how the conversation will go, to “we have nothing to talk about”, which is just a postponement, to “let’s talk tomorrow”, which means “Let me get ready.” Then the conversation itself will come. Find a generous amount of time and an appropriate location.

The golden rule here is to only talk about what happened to you, what you felt. Without accusations, without trials, without reproaches. If any of this comes up … the conversation will fail.

“But at some point we’ll have to argue about who was right …”

—The conflicts are not about reasons, they are about feelings, and this is the only thing we have to talk about, about feelings.

“What if we’ve said fat things to each other?”

“The apology will be soothing.” You must offer it generously, without demanding another in return.

The bus was late, a circumstance that for once Veronica was grateful.

“Max, does it make sense to you that I could have a coffee pending with someone not because of something that separates us but because of something that I have not thanked them for?”

-It has all the sense of the world. The outstanding coffees are for the bad and for the good.

“And is it necessary for both of us to have that feeling?”

-Absolutely. The pending coffee is something that I have, regardless of whether the other has it. I’m the one who wants to get it out of his head.

The bus was visible in the distance. Veronica asked her last question:

“Does it always work?”

“You have no guarantee.” But you don’t lose anything. And a good coffee in the middle of the morning always helps …

The bus arrived. Veronica got up and motioned for the driver to stop. He got in, paid, and went to an empty seat. He was about to offer it to his companion, when he realized that he had not come up. He looked outside, trying to locate it with his eyes. I wanted, even with a gesture, to thank him for his reflections. But he didn’t see it anywhere. It was simply gone, as if it had never been there.