Myopia

The cafeteria was practically empty at this time of the morning. Its owners, Rosa and Natalia, had a lively conversation while ordering the cake counter:

“I can’t stand Juan.” He is arrogant and arrogant. And he says things without any tact.

-Well, I love it. He just did me the favor of my life. I had a problem, I called him, asked for his help, and in three minutes he had it at home solving it for me …

“If you’ve never thought of anyone but him!”

“Well, I’m telling you.” He seems like an exceptional person to me.

After a few moments of reflection, Rosa asked Natalia:

“Are we talking about the same Juan?”

At that precise moment a voice was heard coming from one end of the bar:

-Yes probably…

Natalia and Rosa cast an incisive glance at the author of that statement, an older man whom they did not remember seeing enter and who, looking back at them, gave them a warm smile. Who was? And why did he get involved? Maybe she knew Juan and they had been talking about him recklessly?

The old man immediately reassured them:

“My name is Max, and the truth is that I couldn’t help listening to you.” I don’t know Juan, but from your conversation I can imagine what is happening to you, and I would like to shed some light on your debate if I have your permission.

Natalia, almost amused, gave him a spirited “Go ahead, we’ll listen to you!” And Max told them:

—You see, we all have traits of effectiveness, which help us function well as people and in our relationships bring us closer to others, and traits of ineffectiveness, which distance us from others. The fundamental thing is to understand that we all, without exception, have both lists.

Natalia and Rosa listened carefully. Max continued his explanations.

—When we like someone, we tend to see this person, and as a priority, their traits of effectiveness. However, when we dislike someone, it is their ineffective traits that stand out strongly. In both cases we are being myopic …

“Nearsighted?” Natalia said. I’m not following you…

—Yes, it is a particular form of myopia, because we are not seeing the whole person. A part of it, the positive if we don’t like him or the negative if we like him, becomes invisible, and the portrait we make of the person is not real.

Rosa couldn’t help the protest:

“Well, I consider my portrait of Juan to be totally real!” He’s bossy and he always wants to be right …

“… and this may be a part of him, but only a part.” That is the myopia I am referring to. And the important thing is that this myopia complicates our relationships a lot.

Natalia and Rosa looked at each other somewhat confused. Although they followed the reasoning of that stranger, they did not quite understand what he was transmitting to them. Max, aware of this, hastened to continue:

—You see, when we interact with someone from the point of view of their ineffective traits, we have written on our foreheads what we think of that person. We relate to her from that vision and, therefore, little good things can be expected. We are constantly telling the other (from our tone, our expression and our gestures) that we do not like him. In this way, it is difficult to respond to us from its positive features. We are unknowingly bringing out the worst in that person by the way we approach them.

“What if it’s the other way around?” If we mainly see its efficiency traits, is it also a problem?

“It’s a minor problem, to be sure, but it is also a minor problem.” Because remember that we all have both lists. If we only see a person’s efficacy traits, when they have a bad day, when one of their ineffective traits comes out, which they also have, they will deeply disappoint us. We will live one of those situations in which we think: “But how could you do this? You!”.

Rosa and Natalia were internalizing Max’s explanations and began to connect the meaning of all this with their different perceptions of Juan. Rosa took the floor to ask him:

“So, in my case, do you think it could change my relationship with Juan?”

—The process requires two steps: the first is to detach yourself from your myopia in relation to him and, therefore, to recompose his portrait. You are very clear about its ineffectiveness traits. What you need is to rediscover his traits of effectiveness, think about what is positive about Juan that you have not recognized for so long.

“I don’t see it as easy, but I’ll try.” If I succeed, what is the second step?

—Relate to him by recognizing some of those positive traits. It has to be something absolutely sincere, not fake. Show him that you truly value that part of him.

“And what reaction can I expect?”

—In all probability he will end up doing the same to you, recomposing his portrait of you …

The two friends were surprised. The strategy made sense! In fact, they recognized that they themselves, being very different, had achieved a magnificent relationship. Something that they had done by pure intuition, valuing each other with all its complexity, was undoubtedly the secret to get rid of those myopia.

The whistle of the oven brought them out of their musings. They both went to the kitchen to get Max some freshly baked pastry and thank him for his reflections. However, when they left again, they found the bar empty. There was no indication that anyone had been there that morning.