Giving Thanks Is A Gift, Not An Obligation

Alejandra came from far away to share a coffee with Max. They had not seen each other for six years, since Alejandra had gone to live in another country. However, they had been in contact via email and, taking advantage of a trip to visit family, he had decided to meet his old friend.


Max loved seeing her again. She was radiant and energetic, as he remembered her. After a heartfelt hug and an exchange of greetings, they settled into the living room. They dedicated themselves to catching up on their respective lives, until Alejandra told him:

“Max, the fame of your sought after coffees has reached my ears, so I’m going to allow myself to tell you a little story to get your point of view.” You see, I have a partner who I have been helping for a good season. He is in a difficult family situation and I have taken three projects from him to relieve him of work. But, to this day, I still hope that he will thank me. The first time I attributed it to the tension he is experiencing. He hasn’t even noticed, I thought. But it’s already been three … The truth is that it bothers me that he doesn’t take into account everything I do for him.

Max quickly intervened:

“Then why are you helping him?”


“Because he’s my partner and because I think that’s what I should do.”

Max sighed and, after finishing his coffee, insisted:

“But why are you helping him?”

Alejandra knew that she could not repeat the answer, so she thought for a long time before answering somewhat uncertainly:


“Because I’d like him to do the same for me if I were in his place.”

Max, without giving him respite, insisted:

—Alejandra, why are you helping him?

He was beginning to get exasperated and, after reflecting for a few seconds, he said, unable to control a certain tone of anger:


“Because I feel good helping him!” I am like that, I like to help people!

Max showed his best smile:


—It reassures me that this is the case, because not everyone acts for such legitimate reasons. But if that’s the reason, then why do you need their thanks?

Alejandra was taken aback. He came up with a thousand responses that he was about to enumerate to Max: “Because it’s the least he can do, because that’s what educated people do, because it would be missing more, because I always do it, because I like to be recognized … . ”. But he realized that it would be of no use. He got up and walked around the room. As he sat down again, Max spoke:

—You see, Alejandra, we all like to be thanked. It is an act that reinforces the bond between people and it is a nice gift that I do not advise you to stop giving to others. But whether they give them to us or not should not condition us. You just recognized that helping makes you feel good. So look at it this way: your partner is giving you the opportunity to do something that suits your character, that you like to do and that satisfies you more than if they helped you. Deep down, if you think about it, you can be grateful to him, because he is allowing you to exercise your virtue, that should be enough. There are people who do things for others with the sole intention of receiving their recognition. And when they do not receive it, they experience it very badly, since they need that dose of external energy. But this is not your case. You do it for yourself, because you choose it and you like to do it. External recognition, although welcome and pleasant, is expendable for you.

“But is it true that it is missing when we don’t receive it?”

“Without a doubt, and that’s why I insist that you don’t stop doing it, because it’s very nice to receive it.” But for you it shouldn’t be necessary.

“Max, I can’t imagine a world where we don’t thank each other.”

“It would be a sad world.” And we are not going to be the ones to contribute to it. But let us receive gratitude for what it is, a gift, not as something that the other is obliged to give us. Therefore, let us give it with the illusion of offering something of ours, not with the pressure of being obliged.

Alejandra was able to admit that she had been stubborn, that she had made “thank you” a small need, but if she thought about it carefully, it was not.

Again, as in the old days, over the course of a simple coffee, Max had given her a deep thought. Grateful, she approached him, took his hands, looked into his eyes, and with clarity and affection she spoke a single and sincere word:

-Thanks!

I like that you thank me …

… Because I receive them as a gift.

… Because it charges my batteries and gives me energy. Because it strengthens our bond.

… But I want you to do it sincerely and your way, with the words or gestures you choose.

… But I’m not going to depend on it. I won’t be disappointed if you don’t because, when I do, it’s because I want to.

I like to thank you …

… Always and at all times. For whatever small thing you have done for me.

… Because I enjoy being grateful.

… Because if you like to be thanked, I’m happy giving you this little gift.

… But I don’t want you to do things for me waiting for my gratitude, but because you feel that you should do them.

… but I hope that my “thanks” are received as an option and not as a “would be missing more”.