An Inspiring Silence

Antonia was preparing to make a long journey to visit her sister. Little lover of airplanes, he was preparing to make the bus ride. Her daughter Carolina had accompanied her to the station and, as they had arrived early, they had settled in the waiting room to talk. Antonia had the feeling that something was wrong in Carolina’s life, so she asked her:

– Daughter, are you okay?

“Yes, although a little tired.”

—It’s that you work too much …

“Mom, don’t start.” I work what I need to work.

“Sure, and so you are.” You can see the tiredness on your face.

At the end of the same bench, an older man waited for a newspaper in hand, unable to avoid hearing the conversation, which continued for a long time.

“Mom, I love my job, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

—But it’s that I don’t see you well, and you yourself admit that you’re too tired …

The conversation invariably revolved around the same topic, and Carolina seemed increasingly uncomfortable. After a few minutes, he said:

“Look, Mom, you better not worry anymore.” Besides, you are not finding out about anything. I’m tired, but that’s the least of it. Forgive me but I’m leaving now; have a good trip and give my regards to uncle.

Antonia was surprised. I did not understand anything.

In the midst of her bewilderment, and when Carolina had already left, she heard herself say:

“Well, I’m going to find out very little if you don’t tell me.”

Immediately he heard a voice beside him saying:

—And he will tell you little if you don’t let him tell it …

He turned, and glared at the older man with the newspaper, who was smiling at him nonetheless. Immediately he said:

“Excuse me, I didn’t want to bother you, but I’ve lived this situation a thousand times, until I understood why it was happening to me.”

Antonia took a few seconds to decide what to do: get up and change benches, or enter the conversation. In the end he said:

“Go ahead, I’m listening to you.”

“Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Max, and what happened to your daughter has a simple explanation.”

“I am Antonia, and I will be delighted to meet her.”

–Well, Antonia, people almost never tell the truth of what happens to us right off the bat, and not because we want to lie, but because we need a certain warm-up. We need to go step by step. Your daughter has told you that she was tired, but that is not the central problem, it is only an indication. And if you catch on to it, she won’t feel like you understand her …

“But I couldn’t have known, and in any case, what should I have done?”

“Ignore this point of exhaustion and let her talk more.”

-And how is this done?

“With something very simple: an inspiring silence.”

“?

“A serene and inspiring silence.”

Antonia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Now he was silent, but because he was trying to understand all that. I didn’t understand the silence. What he was supposed to do was help her, give her her point of view. Everything except keep quiet. Max was quick to clear things up:

—When someone wants to tell us something, it is difficult for them to tell us up front. He will talk to us about things that are not the ones that really matter. If at this point, instead of responding to what we have heard, we keep a respectful silence, the person will speak more, and what they will tell us will already be closer to what they need to share.

-And then?

– Again, silence will be our best answer. So yes, in the third round, it is possible that he already tells us the whole truth in depth; what really happens to him and deep down he wanted to tell us.

Antonia listened carefully. He understood what Max wanted to say to him, but a question immediately arose:

“But the silence is uncomfortable …

– … so much as to force the other to continue, that’s the story. Let’s relive your conversation with your daughter: she told you she was a little tired, and you caught yourself suggesting that she worked too hard.

– … which she doesn’t want to hear.

“Probably, and in any case, which is not what really happens to him.” If instead of answering she had given her a good silence, her daughter might have deepened a layer, and behind that fatigue could have appeared a frustration, or an anger, or a sadness … or what really happens to her.

“What if nothing comes out?”

-Always works. And in any case, if it does not come out in response to his silence, it is because I was not going to tell him. But what he could never say is that he had not attended to her.

She didn’t quite see it clearly. He doubted all that reasoning. Carolina’s fatigue and overwork were evident to her.

What if it was her daughter who was fooling herself, because she didn’t want to accept that she worked too hard?

Suddenly, a WhatsApp rang … It said: “Mom, what happens to me is that I’m sad. I’m having a bad time with Luis but it’s something that is difficult for me to talk about ”.

Now I understood. Tiredness was just the beginning of something more important. He realized that silence was the answer Carolina would have needed. He had just received a great teaching:

Silence in a conversation creates the space for the other person to communicate and speak, and really get to the bottom of what they need to talk about.

A sudden stop brought her out of her thoughts: the bus had arrived. He thought that maybe he would be lucky and this Max would travel to the same destination; they could share a ride. But when he turned to ask her, he found the seat empty. And around him, he could not see a trace of the endearing character from whom in that short wait he had learned so much.