It’s Like Talking To The Wall

Ana showed up at Max’s house before going to work and without warning. Max greeted her with a smile. He knew Ana and was used to her surprise appearances. As he made his way to the kitchen, he asked her if she wanted a coffee. But Ana, paying no attention to the offer, settled into the room and began to speak hastily.

“Max, sorry to approach you like that, but I have a problem with my partner and I need to tell you about it.” Our communication has been a disaster for too long. I notice that he does not listen to me, he entrenches himself in his opinions without accepting anything I say. In short, talking to him is like talking to the wall.

Max, who was pouring himself his coffee, asked him:

“And you, do you listen to him?”

Ana got defensive:

“Max, I’ve come to help me, not to make me feel worse.” The problem is not me, it is him and his inability to put himself in my shoes. It is as if what I am telling you enters one ear and comes out the other; He is incapable of listening to me and, much less, of understanding anything I can say to him. I do not feel accepted, I live a continuous rejection of absolutely everything I say … There are things that are so obvious … But he insists on denying them … This is what I want you to help me solve.

—And if you look for meeting points between what you say to him and what he thinks?

-Impossible! From the outset, nothing I say interests you in the least. Do you know what it is to feel neglected, to see how the other is not interested in your problems?

—Perhaps it is not that they do not interest him but that he is not able to stop thinking about his own …

“No, it’s not that, because he has no problems, I assure you.” He is simply unable to see mine …

Max, seeing that Ana was blocked and that she would not get anything clear under those circumstances, proposed a little game to her.

“Ana, let’s go for a walk.” We will walk to my neighbor’s farm.

They walked for a few minutes and came to the high wall of Max’s neighbor’s farm. At his suggestion, they each stood to one side of the wall. Then Max entered the neighboring farm through the gate, while Ana remained outside. Max asked him:

“Ana, what color is the wall?”

“Natural stone, dark brown …”

“Well, I’m sure it’s white.” Radiant white.

“Are you saying it to provoke me, Max?”

“No, I say it because it is so.” It is white.

“Max, what’s the game?” Act like my partner does?

-Why do not you come?

Ana entered the farm, right where Max was, who asked her:

“Let’s see, Ana … what color is the wall?”

She had to admit it: the wall, inside, and although she couldn’t see it from the outside, it was white. At last Ana had run out of words, so Max took the opportunity to tell her friend:

—Things are not always exactly as we see them because, often, we only look at “our side” of reality. In conversations with your partner, each one limits himself to seeing his part of the wall and renounces seeing the wall as a whole. If you manage to put yourself in his shoes and see his side, he will also start to see yours and you will come out of this blockage as a result of the partial vision that both of you have of things.

Ana was silent. Max then took the opportunity to add:

“Before doing this little walk, we have been talking for a while.” Have you noticed that you systematically rejected all my arguments?

Ana did not respond. After reflecting for a few moments, he said:

“I didn’t realize it, because what I needed is for you to listen to me.” But maybe it was.

“Well, maybe it’s what your partner needs too.” Ana, change yourself in relation to him. And you will see how you will be the stimulus so that he also changes in relation to you.

They returned home meditative. Max knew that his words had penetrated Ana. He just wanted her to take them with her so she could reflect.

On entering the house again, already in the living room, Max said:

—By the way, Ana, I repeat the question I asked you upon arrival: do you want a coffee?

Ana, now attentive to his offer, did not hesitate to answer him:

-Yes thanks. I will take it alone.

So as not to talk to the wall …

Let us accept that things are not as we think they are. Our opinions are not absolute truths but simply opinions.

Let’s listen to each other without prejudice, trying to understand the other’s position. Reality will be the sum of our visions.

Let us tell ourselves with our eyes and gestures that we do not reject from the outset what the other says but that we are willing to listen to it and consider it with the utmost attention.

Let’s look for meeting points in the arguments of each one, instead of trying to impose them.

Let’s review our attitudes before criticizing or trying by all means that it is the other who changes.