Beyond Self-esteem: Inner Harmony

There are themes that, although recurring, will never cease to require our attention. Today I think about this question having noticed, for some time, a certain trivialization of the importance of the type of relationship that each one establishes with himself, with his life, with his task and with his beliefs.

Tune in to yourself

This issue, which today I prefer to call directly by its more technical name, is the “syntonic ego” attitude, a concept that exceeds the more popular term “self-esteem”, even if it includes it. In the end, having a healthy relationship with yourself is not just about knowing yourself valuable, nor is it simply about thinking well of yourself; It is not a matter of feelings or an adequate belief system, it is rather a way of acting and living one’s life.

This challenge becomes more difficult when we assume that this harmony of thinking, feeling and doing should not be based on any type of comparison with others, since, by definition, that synchrony begins and ends in myself and, of course, not it leans on the list of my virtues.

Nor in the concealment of my defects, since an attitude like that will enslave me to them and force me to live trying to hide the less “virtuous” aspects of my being, giving rise to secret shame or to justify sinister behaviors of self-deprecation: the so-called “ego dystonia” (to complete the list of technical terms).

Dystonic egos

I’ve seen them in my office many times: Dystonic egos are people who come in feeling a general dissatisfaction. Many times, their reality is reasonably good and they say they are envied by others for “having” what they do not enjoy, they complain about their low self-esteem and claim to feel trapped in that painful situation.

They cannot help but have some of the “despicable” characteristics that torment them, without noticing that, by setting out to change (to please others), they necessarily confirm that they are not “lovable” as they are.

To get out of this quagmire, it is important to redefine some concepts, which by dint of being repeated have become almost meaningless. Twenty years ago I wrote the book From self-esteem to selfishness , a title that obviously suggested that I would speak in favor of it and against it, when in fact I was doing just the opposite, taking up the need to discover “good selfishness.” .

How to have inner harmony

Harmonic tuning is nothing other than the ability to look at myself honestly and evaluate myself properly, recognize both my strengths and weaknesses, my nutritional and toxic aspects, my lights and my darkness, my successes and my foolishness …

Having a good and healthy inner harmony does not consist in thinking that I am fantastic in everything (denying what reality gives me back), but in recognizing myself as I am and feeling satisfied and proud of that, even when I can immediately decide to take care of my work. grayer aspects.

One should ask: Why do we tirelessly seek to be wonderful?

Surely because we think that only in this way others will be able to love us, that only the virtues, merits and achievements of others are wanted. And yet, if we stop for a second to consider why we love those we love, we will realize that our love has little to do with how successful they are.

Do we love a friend more when he gets a promotion? Do we love our wife more if she loses a couple of kilos? Do we love a child more if he passes his exams? Surely not (and if the answer were yes, your love is not a great love that we say).

Love yourself like others

If they ask you why you love those you love, you will most likely respond: “I don’t know, just because. Because he is who he is. For the happiness that it gives me that he is by my side ”. True love does not feed on how good, correct, strong, intelligent, beautiful or brave is who we love; it thrives on its very existence (as Joseph Zinker says).

Let’s do an exercise. Ask yourself:

When I love a person, what do I do with him? How do I treat her?

When I love a person, I …
… try to make them happy.
… I’m not that hard on her when she’s wrong.
… I value your effort, not your results.
… I pamper him.
… I buy him the things he likes.
… I protect her.
… I respect your opinion.
… I do not claim that it is different from what it is.
… I forgive her.
… I encourage her to pursue her wishes.
… I take care of your health.
… I smile at her and tell her how much I love her.

Would your list be like this? Would you add something?
Well. Breathe …

And now, after a pause, ask yourself:
How many of these things do you do for yourself? Most likely, many of them will be eliminated.

A good and easy recipe to get syntonic ego is to take your list and start doing for yourself, one by one, all these things that you do for those you love the most.

Many times we believe that to be worthy of love we must be carriers of extraordinary skills. We think that for someone to want to pay attention to us or listen to us with interest, we should have conquered arcane knowledge or dazzling talents.

However, to become someone of value, for someone who is also valuable, it is enough with the conviction that “something” can be contributed, little or a lot, but valuable. The best travel companion is not the one who knows everything or can do it all, but the one who dares to be who he is and invites you to share it.