8 Keys To Learning To Converse Well

The conversation is the maximum expression of interaction between humans. Beyond gestural and non-verbal language, through words we express implicitly or explicitly what we are and feel. What we transmit and the tone informs the other of our tastes, defects and virtues, as well as what they can expect from us.

It also offers you the possibility of fantasizing about the image that we show. In turn, the other will let us know aspects of himself through his words and how to use them. It will be a mirror that will allow us to realize if we count on your appreciation or your contempt, with the acceptance or rejection.

Friedemann Schulz von Thun, a psychologist and renowned theorist of personal communication, became very popular in Germany with the publication in 1981 of his book The Art of Conversation.

In it, he explains that to maintain good communication, you need more than showing yourself to the other in a friendly way and offering “a good package.” Through his experience in metacommunication workshops (in which the factors that influence and shape communication are studied), Schulz was able to observe how clarity and coherence in conversation are the basis of quality communication.

In this case by coherence it is understood that our way of communicating must coincide with our state of mind, objectives, values ​​and the meaning of our existence, but also with the state of mind of the other and with the “truth of the situation”, it is say, with what floats in the air.

For example, it is one thing that we have a common interest with the other person and quite another that we are in a competitive situation or there is some conflict between us that has not been expressed. If the second option is given, we will not be able to converse in a relaxed manner. We will then have to become aware of this and polish certain aspects of our personality in order to improve the relationship.

The four aspects of communication

Analyzing our way of communicating and relating is not easy, because during the conversation we express ourselves on different levels, both with what we say and with what we omit. Schulz teaches to distinguish these levels through the so-called square of communication.

On the upper side of the square the objective content of the information is collected; on the lower side, the type of relationship with the interlocutor; on the left side, the way the issuer is shown or implicated; and on the right side, the intention or objective that the issuer seeks with their words.

For example, a couple is in their car stopped at a red light and the woman is driving. At one point, the husband says: –Hey, it’s green! The objective information (upper side of the square) is a data about the traffic. But the kind of relationship that that phrase reflects (bottom side) could be: “I control your distractions.” The way the husband is shown (left side) is that of someone who at that moment prioritizes the flow of traffic.

And its intention (right side) could be summed up in one word: “Start”. It is not strange, then, that in the face of so many subliminal information the traffic light goes to a secondary level and the woman responds: –Do you drive or do I drive? The wife has received the message about the traffic, but also about the position of the husband with respect to her. For those other aspects, the receiver has a particularly sensitive ear, since that is where she feels good or badly treated as a person, either because her husband is in a hurry or because perhaps he does not trust her enough at the wheel and feels the need to manipulate or intervene.

The message we send to others

Situations like the one described occur very often in our lives: at work, with family, with friends, in the city, in the neighborhood … Being aware of the four aspects of the message helps us to better grasp what is happening in our interior and in our relationship with others.

But it requires seeing what is happening here and now inside me, how I perceive the other and what is happening between the two. And above all, it allows you to leave behind the distortions that so often take place during conversations. If we analyze our conversations from the point of view of the issuer, it is easy to observe that there is to a greater or lesser extent a fear of showing oneself for fear of being judged.

Many people are afraid to talk about themselves and hide or model parts of their self because the fear of judges or rivals is not a fantasy, but a reality experienced from school.

At school the child begins to be directed and influenced by figures of social authority, such as teachers (judges) and classmates (rivals). He begins to see that he must repress certain parts of himself less socially desirable and compete in order to become someone in life.

As the German sociologist Dieter Duhm put it : “The polarity between power and powerlessness becomes the primary endpoint in almost every question in life, posed as a series of fearsome tests. This is how the performance principle and competition widens the gap between human beings, pits them against each other, leaving a residue of envy and resentment even in the best relationships. “

The 8 steps to communicate well

• Speak with kindness, so that our body and verbal language are focused on wanting to communicate and attend to the other.
• Smile, maintain a relaxed and open posture that indicates to the other person that we feel comfortable and happy to share that moment with them. Active listening implies being devoted to what the other has, favoring the expression of their feelings, taking an interest in their life and trying to understand them.
• Respecting the turn to speak is basic. There is nothing more unpleasant in a conversation than a receiver wanting the sender to finish speaking himself, as if he were only listening to himself.
• Act without prejudice towards the other, seeking equal treatment. Just because a person is very intelligent and has achieved a good position does not mean that he is superior to us. The same is true if you look at it in reverse.
• Talk about topics that appeal to both parties and that provide personal wealth, avoiding gossip about third parties.
• Do not flaunt. Giving importance usually has the opposite effect: an inferiority complex disguised as presumption is revealed. It is better to show yourself simply, without showing off anything.
• Do not establish as valid fantasies about the other person. No one knows someone so deeply as to judge them.
• If a conflict arises during the talk and one of the communicators feels abused, perhaps the type of treatment that both parties give each other can become the object of the conversation.

Emotional camouflage

The greater the feeling of inferiority – usually related to a childhood lacking in love and abundant in demands, or overprotected – the more concerned the person will be to compensate for this feeling and to revalue himself.

Thus, someone may find themselves making unnecessary ostentation of something to make themselves important, sneaking in their “trip to India” or “at home we have a swimming pool”, for example.

Other times someone’s fear of speaking is so great that they tend to remain silent in social gatherings because “keeping quiet is wise” and not speaking does not expose themselves to looking bad. There are also those who hide behind a facade, saying things that they do not feel or trying to be nice and kind always, even in moments of suffering, pretending that nothing is happening to them, despite the fact that blocking feelings can lead to them overflowing. .

In the same way, there are people who use grief and the feeling of inferiority as protection so that nothing is expected of them.

Work on self-image

Looking at what we broadcast to others and what its purpose is –informing, looking good, being accepted, showing off, getting a profit …– offers the possibility of discovering parts of ourselves that we tend to reject.

It also allows us to face what bothers us, learn to express our feelings and realize that we have to take responsibility for how to live our life, since basically what we give and project is what we end up receiving.

In certain cases it may be necessary to resort to psychological help, or to take a course or workshop that enhances self-awareness and self-esteem. These experiences help to be more authentic and selective in communication, to be aware of what one thinks and feels, and to choose what is said and done, without making judgments.

Another important aspect is to use simple language and a well structured and brief speech that is congruent. Weird words and long, convoluted messages are often used to appear to have a higher intellectual status or a greater command over a subject – the listener is left with the feeling of not having understood anything, but with the idea that the speaker is very clever.

The level of the relationship

In conversation, how do we observe ourselves from a relational point of view? Do we feel valued or belittled? What is our guidance and tutelage or that we are free to decide? The answer will depend on each area.

In school and later in the workplace, a person may feel valued by the teacher or boss and are treated as equals. That shows that she is trusted and counted on. But the opposite can also happen: that it is treated with contempt or inferiority – exposing it to others and shaming it -, or that it is tried to direct it excessively.

An example of the latter is the adolescent who rebels as a protest against the overprotection and lack of confidence of their parents.

Transactional analysis, a psychological approach developed by the American psychiatrist Eric Bern and half a century ago, starts from the idea that in every human being there are three facets of the personality that can take the word as different states of the self: the father, the son and adult.

When the father manifests himself, a person acts in a paternalistic way, both to protect and help as well as to criticize, give orders and prohibitions or judge. The son appears when a submissive, obedient, playful, spontaneous or rebellious role is adopted, regardless of the age. While the adult weighs the situation, considers the possible contributions of the father and the son and chooses the most appropriate response.

When the adult-self manifests itself above all, we are more analytical and objective, we give a sensation of good sense and we facilitate the other’s adult to express himself in turn.

Get in tune

We can observe how we relate through our conversations. Do we generally receive a good treatment from the people around us or, on the contrary, do we feel like the bag of blows?

Discovering which figures we interpret most often in our relational environment (parent, child or adult) serves as a starting point to gain respect, since one person tends to go overboard with another to the extent that the latter allows it.

And it is also useful to act more humanely, if we realize that we must address others with a more tolerant and compassionate attitude.

It is not easy to be upright and authentic in a society that fosters rivalry and competitiveness in the face of collaboration and the humanitarian sense – priorities of a world designed for human evolution. But attending to communication offers a way to be more balanced.

That requires accepting our dark areas, relaxing our ideal of perfection – which makes any mistake or defect seem an unbearable shame – and never losing respect for the other. Perhaps in this way the attunement can emerge, which Schulz von Thun defines as “the harmony that appears in conversation when my communication and way of acting corresponds to the purpose of my existence, generally giving more importance to express myself than to influence in the other one”.

The human communication should be to talk heart to heart thinking of the good of the other person, without fantasies or interpretations of their reality, and allowing me to show me the way I am.

The transformative power of kindness

This exercise allows us to recognize the goodness that exists within ourselves and others, share it and trust in the inner transforming power.

1. We focus for two minutes on the breath to rest the mind and connect with our inner love, compassion, altruism, and joy.
2. We can visualize the good that our body radiates as a dim white light. We pause briefly and as we inhale we absorb all the goodness with our hearts; We use our hearts to multiply it by ten and, as we exhale, we share it with the people we know and with the whole world.
3. If desired, this abundance of goodness can be visualized as a brilliant white light that emanates from us as we breathe.