11 Ideas To Banish Power Struggles In Couples
In couples we can reproduce very toxic patterns and schemes that we have learned from society without realizing it. Stopping them is in our hands.
In all human relationships there are power struggles, and we all want to win each and every battle we wage against others.
We each have our interests, our needs and our desires, and we establish our own strategies to achieve this: we position ourselves as dominators or dominated, and from there we manipulate our reality and others to achieve what we need.
In these conditions, relating as a couple is complicated, because we are more used to making war than to loving each other, and we are better at fighting than cooperating.
The couple requires a huge teamwork, a lot of complicity, generosity, solidarity, sincerity, honesty, and a lot of communication. And it is not easy to relate from the companionship in a patriarchal and macho society in which women are below men in the social hierarchy.
How to end power struggles in the couple
The patriarchies that inhabit us have to work hard to build egalitarian relationships based on respect, tenderness, teamwork, honesty, loving communication, and equality. Here are some of the things we can do to end power struggles in the couple:
- Love is not a war. Do not turn your lovers into enemies who must be defended and who must be won anyway. Enjoy love as a space of pleasure and companionship, in which you can be yourself and in which both of you can build a beautiful love story, free from abuse and violence.
- Identify and work on relationship patterns
- Dissidence. We must disobey all gender mandates that turn women into men’s servants: we must end the free work of women, and distribute care, upbringing and housework between both members of the couple. Currently they continue to enjoy three more hours a day of free time while we do double and triple shifts. We were not born to be maids or servants: in order to be able to relate on an equal basis, it is essential to relate horizontally, break with roles and traditions, and distribute tasks on equal terms
- Self-criticism. Men have to work their masculinity in depth, to free themselves from machismo. Accustomed to relating from competitiveness, they have to unlearn everything in order to learn to relate horizontally within the couple. They have to work companionship with women, learn to express what they feel and what they want, and learn to make an honest pact. We also have to work on our own: the changes are individual, and also collective.
- Work your Ego. The Ego always wants to dominate, impose its norms, satisfy its desire, receive applause and recognition from others, awaken their admiration and envy, manipulate its reality and the people with whom it relates. The Ego needs to win, it likes to be obeyed, it likes others to submit, it always needs to feel that it has power and control. We have to work hard so that it does not spoil our relationships: the more selfish and self-centered we are, the worse we function as a couple.
- Learn to say no
- Learn to give in if you are used to imposing your will. Learn to be humble and generous: you don’t have to win every battle. It is not important to always be the winner. You learn a lot when you don’t get everything you want: take the opportunity to learn to make pacts that benefit both of you, or that, at least, do not harm either of you.
- Set your limits. Most things are negotiable, but there are a few that are non-negotiable. Everyone has their red lines, it is important to be clear about them and respect them, your own and those of the other person. If the red lines collide head-on, it is better not to continue with the relationship: neither of you have to give in on things that you consider essential in your lives.
- Learn to practice loving communication. Listen to your partner, express your feelings without hurting anyone, be sincere or sincere with the other person, explain what you want without adopting an aggressive or victimizing style. We have to learn to converse, negotiate, give in, agree, distribute tasks and assume responsibilities equally.
- Avoid drama and violence
- Use your sense of humor and your creativity when you are in a power struggle. It’s all a lot easier when we can both laugh at the situation, and at ourselves. Laughing, it is easier to start looking for solutions that help us get out of the conflict without either of us feeling like a loser, it is easier to relativize and downplay the conflict, and it better disposes both of us to negotiate the best for both of us.
of patriarchal romanticism. Behaviors that seem “normal” or “natural” when we are in a relationship such as possessiveness, jealousy, control over the partner, are patriarchal relationship schemes based on domination and submission, and are often violent. However, we do not recognize as violence our way of imposing ourselves on the other, nor insults, blackmail, threats, victimhood, punishments, deceit and lies. And it is that they have made us believe that passionate violence is love, and that the more passion there is, the more suffering is generated in the couple, and therefore, the more love there is. However, we already know that there is no reason to suffer and have a bad time: love is one of the most beautiful experiences in life and you have to enjoy it.
If you’re the person who always gives in You will feel much better if you are able to assertively say why you do not want to do something, or why you do not agree on something, or because there are things that make you feel bad.
. Even when we are angry or hurt, we can treat each other well, speak to each other with respect, walk away carefully, or sit back and talk if we already feel ready to have a deep conversation. No insults, no blame, no humiliating or disparaging remarks, no mistreatment.
